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Posted: 17/10/2002
The environment: use it or lose it!
By Charles Firth
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I’m a great lover of the environment. My house is made of trees!
 And I love animals.
 But moronic greenies go way too far. They believe the environment should be untouched and that our way of life is destructive.
 But science is always finding ways to fix the things it screws up.
I asked a scientist the other day whether he'd found a solution to global warming. He revealed that he was working on a firmer breast implant. And that's fair enough — you've got to prioritise.
Despite what greenies say, there is an answer to our environmental problems: globalisation.
In the old days to build a table I would have had to cut down the trees in my own backyard.
But now tables come from Burma. Under this system, my table’s cheaper and I still get to keep my trees.
And everyone winds up ahead.
 But not everything is right with the environment. Fossil fuels are precious.
So we should stop sharing them with greedy animals.
 And we all love our beaches!
But a beached whale is also pollution and a huge eyesore that happens all around the world. Which is why we need more whaling.
 And greenies are right about another thing: the environment should be shared.
But not everyone can hang around hugging trees all day living off government handouts.
Which is why we need loggers to help bring a little bit of Mother Nature to those of us who work for a living.
As I always say, the environment is like a good bottle of red. You’ve got to consume it to enjoy it.
That way we can all enjoy the environment.
And that’s the Firth Factor.
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